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I wanted to hear those words.
“There we go nice and clean.”
The more I wait the more anxious I feel. I have to hear them, I need to hear them.
“All taped up and dry.”
Please, please, please, for my sanity just say those damn words!
“Who’s mommy’s good baby? You are! Yes, you are!”
My mind became awash as I heard those words that I now craved, spoken aloud by the woman standing over me, as I continued to lay on my changing table.
Standing there with her hair done up and wearing her blue apron and her face decorated in makeup to make her look mature, it only added to the experience. I could feel my mind once again fill with lust as she continued to rub my now clean diaper. I was well past spent, but that didn’t change how I felt as I continued to bathe in the afterglow.
“Now you be good while mommy takes this to your diaper pail, then it’s time for mommy to go. That is, assuming my baby is happy?”
I kicked and cooed excitedly on my changing table as she smiled and walked away. It was amazing to think paid services like hers were illegal only a few years ago, but that all changed during the spring voting reform.
Our nation was an amazing one. It treated each and every citizen with respect and dignity, by offering each citizen the right to shape the laws that governed them. Unlike many of the nations that came before us we were a democracy. After all it made sense, a government is made by the people for the people. And in order to ensure a perfect democratic system there were no elected representatives. All decisions and laws were proposed by and voted on by all citizens, and the sanctity of which was overseen by a randomly selected committee that rotated quarterly.
Ding
Almost on cue my phone alerted me to the next poll. I quickly picked it up and began to read what was displayed: “Bill. 7432: Bill to provide relief to unemployed holders of pre-existing debt. This bill looks to alleviate debt held by unemployed citizens by increased taxation of franchise food chains, corporate retailers, and independent contractors of the service industry."
As I scrolled down past the summary and skipped the full text section. Ah, a simple bill that increased corporate taxation in order to improve the lives of everyday citizens. Reaching the bottom of the message I arrived at the section to submit our votes; A simple Yes or No. It really seemed quite obvious as I tapped the yes and watched as the tally of votes came up. Pretty quickly it became apparent that the bill was going to pass. Seeing my contribution to the passage of a bill to help the unemployed get back on their feet filled me with joy, as I slowly rocked myself up onto my padded bottom. Content with my vote I stood up and waddled over to the other room.
As I entered the next room I was unable to find “mommy” there, she was already long gone. I looked down at my phone and found the monetary amount for her services deducted from my account, her job done and my needs satiated for now. I stopped to open the application associated with her company and set up the date for my next visit from a professional caretaker. In the section for deciding who I wanted there were 3 simple choices: Daddy, Mommy, and Playmate. Remembering the soft touch and voice of “mommy” filing my needs earlier, my new needs began to surge forward as I tapped on “daddy.” Scheduled for tomorrow I could hardly wait for what was to come.
I continued to flip through my phone, when I came across a notification in my email alerting me to a delivery of mine arriving. It was something that only gained legal status recently, and I had to work up the courage to finally buy. It really was exciting to think that what was once illegal, was now able to be delivered by mail directly to your home. Before I could get ready to grab my package, my phone suddenly lit up. A new poll popped up for all citizens to vote on:“Rev. 2432: Revision to reduce tax credits to single parent households, provide a cap on the maximum number of children to receive support per household, and reduce the maximum age at which dependents receive aid. Please, vote Yes in the affirmative, or No in the negative.”
Why on earth would someone even put forward such a disgusting bill, and why would anyone vote to deny single mothers and their children what they need to survive? What made it even more insane is that they would try to cap the maximum number of children a family could have. It would only harm large families that were the most in need of aid. The fact that anyone would ever find such a thing acceptable was ludicrous. I didn’t need to think any further, as I quickly voted in the negative, and smiled. I took a moment to bathe in the self-righteousness of my vote before I placed my phone down on the counter. I opened the door to my apartment and proceeded to walk down to the mailboxes to pick up my package.
As I arrived at the entrance I spotted one of my neighbors, Ms. Jenny, as she walked in the front door. Normally I don’t pay my neighbors any heed, but ever since moving here she has always been very sweet to me. Noticing her struggling to carry in several large packages I made my way over to her. “Wait, Ms. Jenny!” I called out as I helped to take some of the packages off her. It was then that I noticed she was carrying several large packages of diapers: two packs of size 3 for infants, five packs of size S for teens, and two packs of size M for adults. I helped to carry her packages over to her room and set them down on the ground next to her door.
“Thank you so much.” She was always very nice to me, and something about her always made me happy to see her. “How’ve you been lately?”
“I’m doing well. How have things been with your boyfriend since the baby arrived?”
“The bum went and left me. Only thing I got to remember him by is my new little one. On the bright side when she needs a diaper change she doesn’t fuss with me.” She didn’t seem to care as she spoke those words.
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” I replied with those hollow words knowing full well this was the third time she had done this, and it probably wasn’t the last. “Do you need any help?”
“Nah! Got enough coming in that I don’t need any help. State’s a better daddy to them than any of their actual daddies, now if only it would change the tyke’s diapers I’d marry em’ outright... Oh! Maybe I’ll rope in another one! Then the checks will be enough that we could afford a full time nanny. Then I won’t need to be changing diapers ever again, not even my own!” She laughed as she said that. It sounded like a joke, but history taught me not to be so sure. “Oh! That reminds me, a package for ya was left in my mailbox.” Ms. Jenny vanished momentarily and returned with my package now unwrapped. “I uh, may have opened it.”
“N-No problem.” I nervously looked over the white box with the word “Pacifiers” written on top. I was somewhat worried about what she must think about me now. Yet, all she did was smile and softly laugh.
“Relax. They're legal, so it ain’t like you’re breaking the law or nothing. Too bad they weren’t legal back when I was your age, would’a saved me some trouble with the cops.” She let out a hardy laugh. “But they always were better at changing me than I was.”
While I was relieved to hear Ms. Jenny's words, at the same time I was very surprised. “I never took you for the kind of person that would have been into something like this.”
She must have noticed my expression as she winked at me. “I like to think I am still young at heart, moreso when the babysitter comes over to keep an eye on the tykes.Take care though. If you ain’t used to em’, they can take a lot out of ya. Learned that one the hard way.”
“Thank you for everything Ms. Jenny.” I collected the box of Pacifiers from her and bid her farewell. For a brief moment I began to think of my own home, my parents, and little sister. It was the familiar motions that afflicted me whenever I spoke with Ms. Jenny. For some reason my neighbor’s situation always struck an odd cord in me. I would think, what would life have been for us if mom left dad. Even if we could have been better off financially I couldn’t really see it as a fair justification.
My thoughts were broken up by distant crying coming from Ms. Jenny’s room, and for some reason a familiar deep aching sorrow began to rise up inside of me. Before it could consume me I shook those thoughts free from my mind. Ms. Jenny was a kind person, I was certain that those children were lucky to have someone like her in their lives. Besides, like she said, It's like the state is their daddy now. So they won’t ever have to worry about being taken care of.
As I reached my room, I was surprised to find my door now ajar. As I carefully peaked in I was greeted by the vision of a surprise guest. “Dawn? What are you doing here?” It was my little sister of twenty-three years, standing in my apartment with a somewhat melancholy expression. Based on the bulge in her overalls I figured that would be a good guess at her discomfort.
Similar to my “mommy” from earlier Dawn worked for an agency that allowed her to take care of people’s wants and needs in exchange for monetary compensation. At first she said she was doing this to save up for college, but that was a conversation we had years ago. Personally I never could understand the kind of people that would want someone like her to take care of them, but maybe that was just my own bias.
“I just thought I would drop by…” She spoke, sounding somewhat distracted, as she continued to scroll through the cell phone in her hand; her face growing more and more upset by the moment.
As I looked closer I was surprised when I realized it was my phone in her hand. “And what are you doing with my phone?”
She let out a long sigh as she placed my phone back onto the counter, sounding somewhat disappointed. “Sorry, I was looking through your…” She stopped as she looked up at me. “Are you serious? Were you walking around outside like that? Do you even have any shame left!?”
“Wait what do you mean by that?” At first I was surprised by her comment, but I quickly realized that I had forgotten to put any pants on and had been waddling around the apartment complex in my used diaper. It wasn’t unusual for any of us living here, but I guess it would be surprising to her. Before I could defend myself she continued to berate me
“Just look at you, running around in a wet diaper, no pants, holding…” Dawn stopped as she looked over the box in my hand. “Wait, are those?” She quickly snatched the box out of my hands. “PACIFIERS!? What the hell are you doing with these?”
“I don’t know what you are so upset about, those are legal for any adult to use. Besides I didn’t remember inviting you over to go through my phone and take my things.”
“I didn’t come for you, I came because mom called me and asked me to check up on you. Now I find you using these things. What am I supposed to tell her?” She tossed the box of Pacifiers into my storeroom in disgust. I wanted to yell at her, but I could still see the look of scorn in my little sister’s face. “Nothing has changed since you moved out, you’re still the same moron spouting the same platitudes about this stupid system we’re under.”
“I don’t get why you’re so upset. Everything is so wondrous when you get down to it, after all this is a world we all help to make. Every single vote, an extension of every single citizen helps to mold our society into what it is today.”
“Why the fuck do you think I wanted this!?” She yelled back. “I didn’t vote for this. I wanted to do something, anything but this...” She paused for a moment before she began to speak again. “You know I always wondered. What if things weren’t this way? People who voted for things, who didn’t seem to care where those things come from… Why are people allowed to make decisions for others?”
“Well it is the cornerstone of our society. Civilizations are built for the people and by the people, if the majority of people deem something as acceptable then it is the will of the civilization they built. We made this world, and we all do our own part to contribute. Even today I was able to help increase aid to the poor, and stop an insidious bill that was going to hurt single families.”
“Wait, you voted yes on Bill 7432!?
I thought for a moment but couldn’t recall the details. “The one set to tax companies?” As I said those words I had never seen her become this upset.
“And independent contractors! What do you think professional mommies and daddies are? What do you think I am!? This job was so I could afford to go college and do something with my life. I can’t afford to hand over 30% of my paycheck!”
“T-Thirty!? I-I didn’t realize, the bill was poorly worded, it was a mistake. I am sure there will be a revision vote.” I tried to reason with her but I could see she was growing further irate.
“People like you are the reason I’m no longer able to do the things I wanted to do, why I had to give everything up! Because what, you made a mistake? You didn’t read it through carefully? All you have are excuses, and I am the one paying for it! How many more years will I have to keep doing this...” The sound of defeat was heavy in her voice.
“But it wasn’t my decision alone, it was voted on by everyone. To say that decision is wrong would be the same as saying society is wrong.”
“Then society is wrong! You made decisions on things you barely understood. Now look at me… I’m basically a prostitute… Changing diapers and giving comfort to people like you… Big fucking babies, that sit on top sounding off about this ‘great’ nation of ours is. Everyday I play mommy for others, but when I go home there is no one there waiting for me. Where is my mommy or daddy to tell me everything is going to be okay, that tomorrow will be better, that I didn’t ruin everything? I want that, I need that, but I can’t have that. But what about you!? Why do you need someone like me to comfort you and tell you everything is going to be okay? You always sit there and talk about how wonderful everything is. What excuse do you have?”
I stood there stunned. At first unable to keep up with what she was saying and now unable to comprehend what it was she was saying. After a few moments of silence she continued to speak.
“I see… So in the end we’re the same. Because without a mommy or a daddy to comfort you, in your quiet moments you have to face that sad awful truth. You hate yourself... I know that because at the end of the day…” She stopped her tirade once again as suddenly as tears began to fill her eyes. “I hate myself too…” She finished as she began to bitterly sob.
As she began to cry I looked away, unsure of what to do, and with no desire to submit to the sadness that seemed to radiate from her. I continued to look away until the crying ceased and I could hear her footsteps begin to recede. I could hear the door to my apartment slam shut, and I knew the anxiety that slowly began to build up would fade; Yet, no matter how long I waited her words continued to assault me.
DING
My phone suddenly altered me to a notification. In my attempt to clear my head I picked it up expecting a poll, only to be altered to a special poll: “Due to the end of the democratic cycle approaching tonight at 12:00 pm a special poll will be conducted shortly. As per activation of emergency powers by the governing body, Reg. 1830 will be brought up on the docket shortly. We ask that all citizens please pay special attention, as knowingly refusing to vote on a bill brought forth by emergency vote may be punishable by a fine, jail time, or both.”
For some reason this news only seemed to put me further on edge. I soon recalled the existence of the Pacifiers that I had picked up, one of those would be able to alleviate the stress assaulting me. I looked into the storeroom, but could not see the box anywhere in sight. As I entered I did my best to avoid the various items scattered about. Toys, technology, and furniture all old and outdated, all pushed out to make way for my ever changing whims. As I continued to pass through my discarded effects the words my little sister shouted at me continued to buzz around in my head; Stabbing and stinging at the soft inner core, I could vaguely feel my mind swelling and pushing against the hard outer shell threatening to shatter it.
I no longer wanted a Pacifier, I now needed it to stop the tearful visions in my head and the buzzing in my brain. When suddenly before me lay the box. Now dented and broken open, with its contents scattered. I was glad to see them all within arms reach. As I bent down to pick up one of the Pacifiers, my hand made contact with one of the nearby sheets causing it to partially come off the nearby item. At first I could only see the dust now released into the air, but then what was hiding under the sheet forced me to pause. It was then that I realized what it was that sheet concealed, as I looked on I knew it could see me.
And what gazed back at me was the most horrifying thing imaginable.
They gazed at me deeply, their vision almost cutting. Staring at me with their tired eyes contained in their haggard affect only partially concealed by unkempt hair. Standing there in their stained clothing, they no longer supported a physique of any repute, and it was apparent they were close to outgrowing their already large sized diaper. However, the most striking thing was that I no longer recognized the person in front of me. This miserable person, with no right to even claim they could make meaningful decisions about their own life, was granted the ability to make decisions that would lead others to the same ruin they found themselves in.
Soon the reflection gazing back at me became too much and the horror unbearable. I desperately reached out to cover the visage in front of me.
CRASH
In my haste I now found myself now splayed across the ground. I didn’t notice the cloth once covering the mirror had wrapped around my legs and served to topple me. Now in pain I found myself unable to look away from the reflection in front of me and soon the despair of the world began to once again consume me.
It was at that moment I saw it, a hope that would save me from my despair. Lying there in front of me was a red Pacifier. I stuck it into my mouth and began to suckle, as the sensation of euphoria began to overtake me. At first it was slow, but it soon sped up as the drug began to quickly diffuse from the bulb; I felt my whole body become sensitive. Soon I found myself able to look back into the mirror and no longer saw the man I once was, but I now saw the same happy carefree person I remembered waking up as this morning.
Soon I could hear my phone begin to ding again, and hazily pulled it up to realize another regulation was being voted on. Slowing down my sucking I began to concentrate on the words being displayed: “Reg. 1830: Change the legal definition of an ‘adult’ as defined by law to better encompass the recent changes in…”
I began to drag the page on the screen to read the question when I suddenly felt my eyesight begin to fade and become blurry, as a wave of pleasure racked me. I realized that I had subconsciously begun sucking on my Pacifier again. I stopped myself as I attempted to concentrate on what the words in front of me said:“...the scientific and sociological literature brought forth by experts. While this will not revoke existing unalienable rights, it will allow for government oversight and decisions to be made on their behalf, as those underage within the legal definition will now be considered a ‘baby’ legally and will be designated a protected class...”
Soon my stomach began to hurt, distracting me from my reading. As I began to push I could feel the front of my diaper grow warm as I began to wet myself. The realization lasted for less than a second, before I suddenly became helplessly wracked by pleasure. I struggled to hold onto my phone as I felt my body repeatedly seize up from the warmth consuming it. It was then that I remembered what my neighbor said regarding the Pacifiers, as I felt my body become so sensitive that using my diaper was enough to set me off. I quickly stopped my attempts to empty my bowels as I waited for my mind to desensitize. I needed to finish voting and I could only fear what fully using my diaper would do. After a few moments passed I was filled with partial clarity. While still suffering from the aftershocks of the drug I continued to read: “In order to accomplish this the legal definition of an adult will be raised from the current definition by 12 years to now be 30 years. This will then enter purview for a 8 year period after which another vote will be held to determine if the definition needs to be increased by an additional 10 years. Please make your decision of Yes in the affirmative, or No in the negative.”
What were they thinking!? Who in their right minds would make a regulation like this? It would never pass. Why on earth would anyone trade away their freedom like this? I began to scroll down to make my decision with my finger over the negative before suddenly stopping.
Maybe there was a reason this became a regulation. After all this was based on expert opinions. I began to think back to some of my previous votes, ones where I had made the wrong decision in my rashness. Fortification of our milk bottles with preventative medications, initiatives to have communications tracked for violence, removal of dangerous objects and weapons, and careful monitoring of all citizens. Yet, growing up I refused them for some sort of juvenile fear that I could no longer recall.
Ever since those laws passed it was unbelievable how much illness they have been shown to prevent and just how much better they have made our lives, I can only be glad that others voted to make up for my mistakes. In all those cases we may have given something up, but life became so much easier for us. What if this was a similar case?
I mean it's not like we lose any rights, and we’re declared a protected class. Soon I began to remember how easy life was back before I became 18. Back when I was still eligible for government aid like free diapers and money. As I looked around my dingy room splayed across the ground I began to wonder what was so great about the freedom I had now, and how would it be any different if the government still considered me a baby legally?
My thoughts, my needs, my wants, and my diapers, that is all I ever wanted. Was there anything to convince anyone otherwise? When asked we chose diapers, when asked we chose decadence, when asked we chose comfort, when asked to remain infants we… Soon the ache in my stomach came back full force. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was helpless. Even if I wanted to do something, it's not like my drop could change anything and the decision had probably already been made. Without any warning I felt myself begin to wet my diaper as blinding white light surrounded my mind now adrift.
A part of me wanted to hold on and to make a proper decision. One that would make it so I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy at what looked back at me. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from sucking harder and harder on the Pacifier. In the end only one thought overpowered the others.
I wanted satisfaction.
I could feel my stomach begin to churn and ache harder as my concentration broke. Driven by the need for further relief I began to voluntarily push. As my diaper began to fill I could feel the euphoria rise and I gripped my phone tightly. My body began to writhe in pleasure as my diaper began to grow warmer and heavier by the moment, only adding to my elation. This sensation lasted for several minutes as I haphazardly began to kick and rock on the ground, occasionally babbling incoherently. Before I could come down I slowly began to suck on my Pacifier once again doping me with those same drugs I have quickly become acquainted with. The thought of the cycle continuing only made me happier that these Pacifiers were now legal, as I continued to kick the air and squish my full diaper.
Before I could go any further my thoughts scattered, colorful lights began to dance around my head, my vision blurred, and soon the world was no longer there. All that was left was the sensations I was feeling. The softness on my back, the lukewarm air around me, and the squishiness of my diaper. They all continued to assault my senses until I surrendered to them, allowing the euphoria to freely pump out of me before I blacked out.
I had woken up some point later unsure of the time, yet certain several hours had gone by. I haphazardly reached for my phone only to realize that in my spasms I had managed to accidentally select a position on the regulation’s vote. I attempted to look at what choice I made and what side had won, but my eyesight was still blurry from the lingering effects of the Pacifier. I tried desperately to make sense of the screen, but found myself afflicted with a seemingly unending double vision and soon I gave up. It’s not like my vote mattered anyway, if it was something important then the others voting would be sure to make the right decision for me. After all, wasn't that the point of a democracy?
Even if the vote did go through, would it really be so bad? Just like how we can’t conceive of a world without our diapers, maybe the same will one day be said about us being legally adults, whatever that even means. As I continued to remain on the floor and exhaustion consumed me I softly suckled on my Pacifier, now drained of its drug laden properties. A feeling of the same sublime warmth overcame me as I began to wonder what it was that I was upset about earlier. Lying there in my used diaper, with only enough willpower to squirm and coo happily, I felt at peace. Ignoring my regret and my fears, abandoning the person I once was, and the dreams I once had. Right now I am happy, and regardless of the results of the vote I knew tomorrow I would still be happy.
Yet, I could still feel that awful silence begin to take hold, as my now sober mind was forced to confront my sister’s words. Why was I dependent on others to soothe me? When did my sis give up on her goals for the future? Where did the responsible adults that made this nation go? What was the actual reason we all became dependent on diapers? Who was responsible for this?
A new fear began to form as more and more questions emerged from within. Before those awful thoughts could assault me I reached my arm out and found another of the Pacifiers. Spitting my spent one out I replaced it with a new green Pacifier, and took one long drag as my eyes rolled back into my head. Before the calm soothing embrace took hold I couldn’t help but realize just how happy I was trapped like this. In the end I couldn’t escape that beautiful truth that filled me with comfort.
Soon a familial thirst rose up inside of me, demanding to be satiated, as I began to tap the screen of my phone in my hand. Through sheer muscle memory I loaded up an audio file that I saved for times like this, and dropped the phone next to me. Soon those soothing words that I needed to hear began to play through the speaker.
“There you are! Mommy missed you.”
The words mixed with my sensations, as I released once more into my diaper. The ecstasy took hold and the euphoria continued to flow freely.
“Don’t worry baby, no matter where you go mommy will always find you.”
Soon my suckling slowed and evened out. My body began to move and bounce, causing my full diaper to repeatedly squish and stimulate my senses.
“I love you forever and ever.”
Before the last of me vanished yet again, my mind arrived at an answer to how this all happened. The answer was one that filled my mind with comfort. After all...
“Who’s mommy’s good baby? You are! Yes, you are!”
We chose this.