“NEXT!”
The organized line moved forward as I continued to wait my turn. Another long day spent waiting in lines in order to receive our state mandated supplies.
“NEXT!”
I moved forward as I once again began to read over my documents in an attempt to ignore the monotonous waiting.
Voucher Number: 9531
Unit Size: 04
To be redeemed at the personal care dispensary by citizen(s) listed on the reverse side.
Redemption by unauthorized individuals carries significant penalties.
The little slip in my hand, more valuable than an entire workday’s pay, and it would soon by my turn. As the wind blew past me a certain sensation of cold clamminess reminded me, once again, of the weight of the little voucher.
“NEXT!”
I continued to move up as I began to read over my citizenship forms. It was at this time that I was quickly interrupted by the sound of yelling up ahead in line.
“What do you mean you’re out!?” An irate younger woman shouted back.
“Please step aside citizens. Your number and position in the queue has been noted. Return back tomorrow and retrieval of your supplies will be expedited.” The government official proclaimed as he attempted to disperse the crowd.
I quickly realized this would mean my family and myself would be without supplies for today. While this was disheartening it was not something we weren’t used to by now, and I knew at the very least we would be able to restock by tomorrow. Before I could leave, the commotion at the front suddenly became far worse.
“I refuse, this shortage is ridiculous! All of you government employees stay nice and dry, while the rest of us have to suffer!” The same angry young lady continued to yell and berate the official.
“Citizen-” Before he could get a word in edgewise the girl continued.
“Look at this!” The young lady shouted in her rage as she lifted up her long skirt exposing what was underneath. A state issued diaper that was quite heavily used. Even from the degree of sagging it was clear that it was still somewhat away from what would be considered ready for a change, but it was obvious the young lady was at her wits end as she continued to rant at the official. “Do you honestly expect me to continue to fester in my own mess until I get a rash!?”
Even with her ranting the official did not seem deterred. “Citizen, please cover yourself. Do I make myself clear?”
“Of course you don’t care, why would you! You government workers are always treated much better than the rest of us.” She continued to yell as she tore her skirt off in defiance. “I bet your pampered ass is still dry right now.”
“This is your final warning, stop now and I will pretend this outburst did not occur.” It was quite unusual for an official to be so lenient. Maybe the supply shortages were affecting them too? Regardless it didn’t seem to calm the young girl down.
“Well I don’t care! You people look down on us, mistreat us, and continue to eat yourselves fat! First you ban cloth diapers, then you mandated exclusive use of government provided diapers, and now you have the gall to claim shortages while the nationalized petroleum industry continues to boom.” The young lady stopped as she turned to the line behind her and continued her speech. “While our nation’s elite continue to fill their pockets changing the diapers of the western capitalists, while we continue to suffer silently, well no more-” She was swiftly cut off as hands wrapped around her.
“What are you doing unhand me!” Before she could continue the guards standing nearby had heard enough, as they quickly detained her. “Hey! Let me go!” Her plea didn’t amount to much, as they quickly gagged and restrained her.
While she was being forcefully dragged away another higher ranking official appeared in front of the line. “Attention citizens! We apologize for the outburst, and our failure to prevent the perverted words of this opinionated individual from seeping out. In addition to this we also apologize in advance as we will now need to review everyone’s identification. Please continue to stand in line and have your documents ready, once reviewed you are all free to return about your business.”
It’s always the young ones. I sighed as I got my papers ready. There was a phrase my husband always used to describe them, the ones that want more… ‘Still filled will piss and vinegar.’ It really seemed to suit someone like her.
***
It had reached midday as I made my way back to my apartment. It took almost thirty minutes to provide the paperwork and answer their questions. The warmth of the building comforted me and reminded me of the state of my own diaper once again. Sadly without more supplies I knew we would have to conserve until I could get more. It wasn’t anything that we weren’t used to, but the cold soggy and squishy discomfort wasn’t something I wanted to get used to.
“Verona! How are you doing today?”
I was caught by surprise as I was approached by her. “I am doing well, and yourself?” She continued to prattle on about her day and I continued to listen. After all she was a neighbor, but more importantly she was the wife of this district’s kommissar.
“Oh, but excuse my manners. Please do join me for some tea.”
I could feel the coldness of my diaper as I grew more uncomfortable. Yet, I knew denying her wouldn’t be in our interest. “Of course Mary, I would be delighted.”
***
As the door opened up I could only quietly heave a sigh or relief. I could feel the onset of some chafing as my sagging diaper began to bite into my thighs while I was climbing up the stairs. After this long day I was happy just to get a moment to rest.
“Welcome!” Mary exclaimed to me as we entered her home in the apartment complex. “Just give me a moment and I will get the tea.” Mary stated as she left me to look over her grandiose home. Although I had seen it many times before it always seemed to amaze me the sheer difference between her life, and my own.
Draperies and trinkets most of which appeared to have originated overseas filled the home. The style of the furniture added an avangard flair to the room, and looked well beyond the price I could ever hope to afford. It was a reminder of the difference between my own life and the life of a wife of a kommissar.
“Here Verona. Please help yourself!”
I quickly turned my attention to Mary whom I had hardly noticed returning. “Thank you.” I spoke as I gingerly collected the cup and saucer.
Mary slowly sat down, being careful not to spill any of her tea. Taking a sip she spoke. “Now don’t stand on my count. Please take a seat.”
As I looked down at the very expensive couch next to me and I could feel the weight of my diaper force me to hesitate. “Err… Sorry Mary but I don’t think that… My diaper isn’t exactly you know...” I could hear Mary give off a prideful laugh, it sounded almost as if she was mocking me.
“Not to worry dear.” She ran her hand down the fabric causing it to emit a smooth swishing sound, reminiscent of my own diaper cover. “Everything is laminated in a waterproof material, things like this are standard in the western countries so I had my husband special order some for our home. So please don’t worry.”
I nodded as I cautiously sat down. I could feel the wetness build up around my bottom, before it was once again absorbed by my diaper.
“See now that wasn’t so bad. Anyway let me tell you about my…” I was quick to tune her out as I absentmindedly nodded and sipped my tea. This wasn’t my first time talking to her, and it wouldn’t be my last. She always had a tendency to ramble on about how good her life was and how miniscule her problems were. As I looked around, all I could do was feel envy at how easy her life had been to her. Married to a government official and never having to worry about the things I worry about. I could feel the tea quickly work through me as my diaper grew warmer. It must be nice not to worry about things like eating, fuel for the house, how her children are doing, or even about getting a diaper rash. As my mind continued to wander time seemed to slip away, and before I knew it Mary had stood up and I followed suit.
“I am sorry about cutting our talk short, but I know you're busy with your family Verona.” I was surprised as Mary reached out to hug me. “I know it may not mean much, but thank you for having tea with me, you’re always so kind to listen to my problems and I can’t even offer you a fresh diaper to change into…”
“No, no. It’s quite alright!” I spoke as I broke free of her embrace. “We both know the rules regarding our supplies, and I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”
“Thank you Verona, you’re a good friend. Now if you would excuse me I need to go wait for my husband to get home so I can freshen up.” Mary spoke as she quickly closed the door.
Her words left me slightly confused until a strong smell suddenly assaulted my nostrils. I quickly pressed into the back of my own diaper reflexively, but was only greeted by the warm squish of a wet diaper. It took me a few moments to realize I was not the cause of the stench, before I let out a stifled laugh. Maybe we do worry about some of the same things. Before I began my walk down to my own apartment.
***
As I opened my door, I was embraced by the warmth of the wood burning oven. Feeling the coldness behind me I quickly shut the door. For a moment I could forget the cold tired world outside as I began to inhale the familiar scent of my home. Interspersed between the faint scent of used diapers and baby powder, was something familial and warming.
“Mama! Mama! Mama!” As I walked towards my children’s room I felt myself smile as they both rushed out to greet me.
“We’re not sick anymore!”
“Is that so? Well I’ll be the judge of that. Come on you two let me check.” My children lifted up their clothes and exposed their wet diapers. Both of them unfitting, as they had been forced to wear mine and my husband's diapers since they had run out of their own due to their illness.
“Okay you two, now turn around.” I stated hesitantly, I couldn’t help but recall the past few days and the innumerable diaper changes that went with them. As they turned around and I could get a good look at the seat of their diapers, I was relieved. They were messy, but it wasn’t what I feared. I quickly checked their foreheads, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity I knew they were okay.
“See Mama! We’re better now!” My older boy called out proudly.
“When do we get our diapers back?” My little girl followed up.
“Tomorrow.” I felt a little disappointed in myself as I answered, recalling the events of this morning
“Aww! That's what you said yesterday. Mama your diapers are too bulky and don’t fit me right” My little girl pouted as she lifted up her dress and pointed at her diaper
“Sorry they were out today, so you’ll have to make due with them for a little bit longer.”
“But what about you and Papa?” My older son replied concerned.
“Well we don’t go through diapers like you two do, so we’ll be fine.” I was happy, happy to have such compassionate children. “Either way, that's enough talk, who wants to help me make dinner before Papa gets home!”
“We do!” They both exclaimed as they waddled off to the kitchen.
Even as I stood there in my sodden diaper I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. I couldn’t help but remember every diaper change, every late night, and every tear shed, to get here. I was happy that me and my husband had managed to raise such good children. Regardless of the difficulties we faced, a little diaper rash was more than worth this.
“Mama hurry up! Papa will be home soon!”
“Coming!” I responded as I began towards the kitchen. For some reason I suddenly remembered the sad look on Mary’s face as I left her apartment. It was then that I realized that I had forgotten what I was so envious about earlier.
***
It took some time but dinner was ready. As I finished setting the table I could hear the door open and my husband walk in. As I felt my diaper I could tell it was barely holding on, and I was relieved that soon I would be able to change. As my husband walked in my children excitedly ran up to him.
He looked very tired as he tried his best to give them both the attention they wanted. For a split second he looked at me with a smile, and all I could do was look away upset. Regardless of my trip into the city today, we still didn’t have more diapers. After a few seconds I looked back up to see him still there talking with our children, but I could tell. I could see the disappointment in his face, the same disappointment that was currently on my own. Tonight we will have to make due.
Dinner was simple, not that we could complain, after all it was all supplied from the state. All of it heavily preserved, in a paste-like consistency, and very bland. Even the fluids provided were placed in containers not to be reused and sealed shut forcing us to suck the fluid out of a nipple placed on top. Yet, it was hard to complain after all it was all provided to us, and was all supposed to be very nutritious.
Dinner ended uneventfully with my children talking excitedly about returning back to school, and my husband discussing his day. Soon after that my children’s diapers were changed. My older son into his father’s and my younger daughter into my own. As I tucked them into bed I knew that only left us.
I returned to my husband’s and my room, and locked the door. I could feel my face become flush, as the shame of what we were about to do washed over me. As I turned around I could see my husband lying on the changing mat on the bed, her legs dangling off the edge as he silently waited for me. I made my way over to the dresser to take out the contents of the first drawer, when I suddenly felt myself hesitate. My eyes locked with the bottom drawer and I could feel my hand instinctively open and close, as I continue to remain transfixed. I slowly opened the bottom drawer gazing at its contents. My temptation continued to grow, until his voice snapped me out of my trance.
“You know.” He paused as he continued in a solemn and hushed tone. “If you wanted to, they wouldn’t have to know. I know how much this bothers you, so please even if the chances are slim, put me in that and you can wear mine and won’t have to risk getting into trouble.”
As I heard him utter those words I knew what I must do, as I swiftly opened the top drawer to pull out his last large disposable diaper. As I approached him I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head. Causing him to smile as he looked away relieved. I am not sure how I managed to have married a man like him, but I knew there were few out there that could be as proud as I always was of him. I signaled my husband to raise his bottom as I slid the new diaper under him, and began the task of cleaning him up. As I began to untape his diaper my mind began to wander.
This nation of ours was quite an interesting one, possessing large oil reserves. After the revolution the new government worked to nationalize the oil reserves, resulting in us being the largest petroleum product producing country in the world. While there are many questions about if our government is right to have done the things they have done, those concerns never really concerned me. As I think back to myself, my husband, and my children I was never really affected by most of the changes brought upon by the new regime, but there was one law that as of late has started to affect me.
“Dear, I think that’s enough.”
I suddenly felt myself snap back to reality. I realized I was in the process of creating a dust cloud, with the amount of baby powder I was applying to my husband. “Oh! Sorry! I was lost in thought.” I could hear him stifle a chuckle as I finished pulling the front of his diaper up, but left the tapes undone. I quickly laid next to my husband and got to work changing out of my own diaper.
As I reached down to undo my tapes I could see the contents of the bottom drawer staring back at me. It was filled with a gift from my mother many years ago, and one that was deemed illegal for use in our nation; many cloth diapers. As my tapes came off and I reached for the wipes, I could feel my mind wander once again.
It was a law that was passed nearly 25 years ago when I was still in my teens. I couldn’t help but recall the similarities of my own younger years, and that girl from this morning’s supply line. Thinking about how much I have changed, I guess it was just a part of growing up. Back then I remembered my family as fairly poor and myself as someone that wore cloth diapers regularly. I can still remember how I always wanted to try the expensive diapers from the west, the ones that you didn't need to wash, that you could run, not waddle in. Ones that you could just change wherever you were, and didn’t need to spend time washing. Disposable diapers felt like what I thought freedom was to me, and I promised myself that when I got the chance I would spend my pocket money to try them out, just once. It is funny that I got my wish granted in the worst way possible.
As I returned back to my senses, I quickly balled my diaper up and taped it shut before standing up. I swiftly approached my husband now bare as a newborn, trying my best to make sure I didn’t have an accident on the floor. I pulled the front of his diaper down and laid myself on top of him, now skin-to-skin. I could feel my body grow red hot as he reached forward and pulled the front of his diaper up and around my bottom, and snugly taped the two of us into the diaper. As I wiggled my legs and shook my hips I only grew more embarrassed, as I realized my husband had become really good at taping a diaper like this.
I wrapped my arms and legs around him, as he slowly stood up. He slowly walked towards the center of the bed, yet I couldn’t do anything but allow the shame to wash over me. Clinging to my husband like an infant, having him carry me on top of him, and sharing the same diaper with him. I wasn’t able to get diapers for either of us, nor my children, I couldn’t help but feel useless. My husband slowly sat back down and lowered the both of us down at the head of the bed. Soon he was resting on a pillow and I was resting on his chest, before he raised his legs, and I once again found myself in this strange degrading position. A position that we were placed into by that law they passed.
Our government became world wide producers of petroleum products and among those were the plastics used in diapers. Soon our nation became one of the world’s largest exporters of disposable diapers. This became an incredible boon for our nation, and soon there wasn’t a nation left that didn’t carry a diaper manufactured in our country. Then suddenly 25 years ago they banned the use of cloth diapers, and swapped over to providing us state manufactured diapers. It was a little strange going from bulky cloth to crinkly disposables, and soon the state began providing us with food and supplies, but we all grew used to it. To me back then it felt like that was freedom. Not having to worry about food or cleaning my own diapers. I felt as though this was a freedom that not even the western capitalist could experience. I was really excited at the time, but others like my parents weren’t. I was young and I thought they didn’t understand, but only now do I realize what we gave up in exchange.
Clinging to my husband, taped together in the last diaper left in our home, anxious over whether or not I will be able to get more diapers tomorrow. I now understood why my parents looked so distraught, and I understood why they left me so many cloth diapers. They may have been inconvenient, but at least they were mine. If I wanted to change I could, if I wanted more absorbency nothing could stop me from doing so, and if I wanted to be free to wake up in the morning and change into a fresh diaper I could. I had begun to realize today that even Mary wasn’t as free as thought she was, that no amount of wealth or power could return what we lost. Deep down I knew we were slaves, unable to even change our own diapers for fear of consequences.
I felt a pain grip me as my heart began to beat with anxiety. It was then that I realized what I was about to do. This was unfair. I could feel myself grunt reflexively as the diaper that I shared began to expand, and another warmth began to grow between me and my husband. This was truly unfair. I wanted more than anything to cry. To cry for what we lost, and for what was taken away from us. Yet, I was unable to find any tears to do so. As I laid there in my anguish I felt his warm hand rub my back as he quietly hummed. I was embarrassed, not because I had used our diaper, nor due to my husband’s response to my discomfort. But over how quickly he was able to sooth me like I would sooth our children.
In the end we were just infants dependent on the state for our milk and diaper changes, we were nothing more than oversized babies. Even that girl this morning that wanted her diaper changed, crying out to the state for her adulthood back, only to be admonished like a child. I may wonder what it would be like to fight back and regain our freedom, but I don’t think we could survive. We have all grown so infantilized, and I am not even sure how it ended up this way. It was strange to think that my children, my babies, would never grow up to know what a cloth diaper was, never being able to change their own diapers without the state’s permission, and never know what being an adult was like. How life was when you didn’t need the state for food and clean diapers, when we weren’t so hopelessly dependent. No, to them this is normal, and to their own children it will be even more normal.
I could feel a sensation of serenity take over as I had come to once again accept the state’s position. Almost as if my husband could tell my needs were fulfilled he slowed down, and instead brought her arms around me, clutching me tightly as if I was a stuffed toy. I could hear his heart rise and fall as our diaper grew warmer, unsure which one of us was the cause. But I was happy. Happy that I could bring him comfort in my own way. As I gazed out the window, sleep slowly began to consume me and I began to drift off as I began to cuddle closer to my husband soothed by his slow heartbeat.
“Spokoynoy nochi Verona.” My husband quietly spoke.
“Spokoynoy nochi.” I replied back softly, as I drifted off to slumber.
The organized line moved forward as I continued to wait my turn. Another long day spent waiting in lines in order to receive our state mandated supplies.
“NEXT!”
I moved forward as I once again began to read over my documents in an attempt to ignore the monotonous waiting.
Voucher Number: 9531
Unit Size: 04
To be redeemed at the personal care dispensary by citizen(s) listed on the reverse side.
Redemption by unauthorized individuals carries significant penalties.
The little slip in my hand, more valuable than an entire workday’s pay, and it would soon by my turn. As the wind blew past me a certain sensation of cold clamminess reminded me, once again, of the weight of the little voucher.
“NEXT!”
I continued to move up as I began to read over my citizenship forms. It was at this time that I was quickly interrupted by the sound of yelling up ahead in line.
“What do you mean you’re out!?” An irate younger woman shouted back.
“Please step aside citizens. Your number and position in the queue has been noted. Return back tomorrow and retrieval of your supplies will be expedited.” The government official proclaimed as he attempted to disperse the crowd.
I quickly realized this would mean my family and myself would be without supplies for today. While this was disheartening it was not something we weren’t used to by now, and I knew at the very least we would be able to restock by tomorrow. Before I could leave, the commotion at the front suddenly became far worse.
“I refuse, this shortage is ridiculous! All of you government employees stay nice and dry, while the rest of us have to suffer!” The same angry young lady continued to yell and berate the official.
“Citizen-” Before he could get a word in edgewise the girl continued.
“Look at this!” The young lady shouted in her rage as she lifted up her long skirt exposing what was underneath. A state issued diaper that was quite heavily used. Even from the degree of sagging it was clear that it was still somewhat away from what would be considered ready for a change, but it was obvious the young lady was at her wits end as she continued to rant at the official. “Do you honestly expect me to continue to fester in my own mess until I get a rash!?”
Even with her ranting the official did not seem deterred. “Citizen, please cover yourself. Do I make myself clear?”
“Of course you don’t care, why would you! You government workers are always treated much better than the rest of us.” She continued to yell as she tore her skirt off in defiance. “I bet your pampered ass is still dry right now.”
“This is your final warning, stop now and I will pretend this outburst did not occur.” It was quite unusual for an official to be so lenient. Maybe the supply shortages were affecting them too? Regardless it didn’t seem to calm the young girl down.
“Well I don’t care! You people look down on us, mistreat us, and continue to eat yourselves fat! First you ban cloth diapers, then you mandated exclusive use of government provided diapers, and now you have the gall to claim shortages while the nationalized petroleum industry continues to boom.” The young lady stopped as she turned to the line behind her and continued her speech. “While our nation’s elite continue to fill their pockets changing the diapers of the western capitalists, while we continue to suffer silently, well no more-” She was swiftly cut off as hands wrapped around her.
“What are you doing unhand me!” Before she could continue the guards standing nearby had heard enough, as they quickly detained her. “Hey! Let me go!” Her plea didn’t amount to much, as they quickly gagged and restrained her.
While she was being forcefully dragged away another higher ranking official appeared in front of the line. “Attention citizens! We apologize for the outburst, and our failure to prevent the perverted words of this opinionated individual from seeping out. In addition to this we also apologize in advance as we will now need to review everyone’s identification. Please continue to stand in line and have your documents ready, once reviewed you are all free to return about your business.”
It’s always the young ones. I sighed as I got my papers ready. There was a phrase my husband always used to describe them, the ones that want more… ‘Still filled will piss and vinegar.’ It really seemed to suit someone like her.
***
It had reached midday as I made my way back to my apartment. It took almost thirty minutes to provide the paperwork and answer their questions. The warmth of the building comforted me and reminded me of the state of my own diaper once again. Sadly without more supplies I knew we would have to conserve until I could get more. It wasn’t anything that we weren’t used to, but the cold soggy and squishy discomfort wasn’t something I wanted to get used to.
“Verona! How are you doing today?”
I was caught by surprise as I was approached by her. “I am doing well, and yourself?” She continued to prattle on about her day and I continued to listen. After all she was a neighbor, but more importantly she was the wife of this district’s kommissar.
“Oh, but excuse my manners. Please do join me for some tea.”
I could feel the coldness of my diaper as I grew more uncomfortable. Yet, I knew denying her wouldn’t be in our interest. “Of course Mary, I would be delighted.”
***
As the door opened up I could only quietly heave a sigh or relief. I could feel the onset of some chafing as my sagging diaper began to bite into my thighs while I was climbing up the stairs. After this long day I was happy just to get a moment to rest.
“Welcome!” Mary exclaimed to me as we entered her home in the apartment complex. “Just give me a moment and I will get the tea.” Mary stated as she left me to look over her grandiose home. Although I had seen it many times before it always seemed to amaze me the sheer difference between her life, and my own.
Draperies and trinkets most of which appeared to have originated overseas filled the home. The style of the furniture added an avangard flair to the room, and looked well beyond the price I could ever hope to afford. It was a reminder of the difference between my own life and the life of a wife of a kommissar.
“Here Verona. Please help yourself!”
I quickly turned my attention to Mary whom I had hardly noticed returning. “Thank you.” I spoke as I gingerly collected the cup and saucer.
Mary slowly sat down, being careful not to spill any of her tea. Taking a sip she spoke. “Now don’t stand on my count. Please take a seat.”
As I looked down at the very expensive couch next to me and I could feel the weight of my diaper force me to hesitate. “Err… Sorry Mary but I don’t think that… My diaper isn’t exactly you know...” I could hear Mary give off a prideful laugh, it sounded almost as if she was mocking me.
“Not to worry dear.” She ran her hand down the fabric causing it to emit a smooth swishing sound, reminiscent of my own diaper cover. “Everything is laminated in a waterproof material, things like this are standard in the western countries so I had my husband special order some for our home. So please don’t worry.”
I nodded as I cautiously sat down. I could feel the wetness build up around my bottom, before it was once again absorbed by my diaper.
“See now that wasn’t so bad. Anyway let me tell you about my…” I was quick to tune her out as I absentmindedly nodded and sipped my tea. This wasn’t my first time talking to her, and it wouldn’t be my last. She always had a tendency to ramble on about how good her life was and how miniscule her problems were. As I looked around, all I could do was feel envy at how easy her life had been to her. Married to a government official and never having to worry about the things I worry about. I could feel the tea quickly work through me as my diaper grew warmer. It must be nice not to worry about things like eating, fuel for the house, how her children are doing, or even about getting a diaper rash. As my mind continued to wander time seemed to slip away, and before I knew it Mary had stood up and I followed suit.
“I am sorry about cutting our talk short, but I know you're busy with your family Verona.” I was surprised as Mary reached out to hug me. “I know it may not mean much, but thank you for having tea with me, you’re always so kind to listen to my problems and I can’t even offer you a fresh diaper to change into…”
“No, no. It’s quite alright!” I spoke as I broke free of her embrace. “We both know the rules regarding our supplies, and I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”
“Thank you Verona, you’re a good friend. Now if you would excuse me I need to go wait for my husband to get home so I can freshen up.” Mary spoke as she quickly closed the door.
Her words left me slightly confused until a strong smell suddenly assaulted my nostrils. I quickly pressed into the back of my own diaper reflexively, but was only greeted by the warm squish of a wet diaper. It took me a few moments to realize I was not the cause of the stench, before I let out a stifled laugh. Maybe we do worry about some of the same things. Before I began my walk down to my own apartment.
***
As I opened my door, I was embraced by the warmth of the wood burning oven. Feeling the coldness behind me I quickly shut the door. For a moment I could forget the cold tired world outside as I began to inhale the familiar scent of my home. Interspersed between the faint scent of used diapers and baby powder, was something familial and warming.
“Mama! Mama! Mama!” As I walked towards my children’s room I felt myself smile as they both rushed out to greet me.
“We’re not sick anymore!”
“Is that so? Well I’ll be the judge of that. Come on you two let me check.” My children lifted up their clothes and exposed their wet diapers. Both of them unfitting, as they had been forced to wear mine and my husband's diapers since they had run out of their own due to their illness.
“Okay you two, now turn around.” I stated hesitantly, I couldn’t help but recall the past few days and the innumerable diaper changes that went with them. As they turned around and I could get a good look at the seat of their diapers, I was relieved. They were messy, but it wasn’t what I feared. I quickly checked their foreheads, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity I knew they were okay.
“See Mama! We’re better now!” My older boy called out proudly.
“When do we get our diapers back?” My little girl followed up.
“Tomorrow.” I felt a little disappointed in myself as I answered, recalling the events of this morning
“Aww! That's what you said yesterday. Mama your diapers are too bulky and don’t fit me right” My little girl pouted as she lifted up her dress and pointed at her diaper
“Sorry they were out today, so you’ll have to make due with them for a little bit longer.”
“But what about you and Papa?” My older son replied concerned.
“Well we don’t go through diapers like you two do, so we’ll be fine.” I was happy, happy to have such compassionate children. “Either way, that's enough talk, who wants to help me make dinner before Papa gets home!”
“We do!” They both exclaimed as they waddled off to the kitchen.
Even as I stood there in my sodden diaper I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. I couldn’t help but remember every diaper change, every late night, and every tear shed, to get here. I was happy that me and my husband had managed to raise such good children. Regardless of the difficulties we faced, a little diaper rash was more than worth this.
“Mama hurry up! Papa will be home soon!”
“Coming!” I responded as I began towards the kitchen. For some reason I suddenly remembered the sad look on Mary’s face as I left her apartment. It was then that I realized that I had forgotten what I was so envious about earlier.
***
It took some time but dinner was ready. As I finished setting the table I could hear the door open and my husband walk in. As I felt my diaper I could tell it was barely holding on, and I was relieved that soon I would be able to change. As my husband walked in my children excitedly ran up to him.
He looked very tired as he tried his best to give them both the attention they wanted. For a split second he looked at me with a smile, and all I could do was look away upset. Regardless of my trip into the city today, we still didn’t have more diapers. After a few seconds I looked back up to see him still there talking with our children, but I could tell. I could see the disappointment in his face, the same disappointment that was currently on my own. Tonight we will have to make due.
Dinner was simple, not that we could complain, after all it was all supplied from the state. All of it heavily preserved, in a paste-like consistency, and very bland. Even the fluids provided were placed in containers not to be reused and sealed shut forcing us to suck the fluid out of a nipple placed on top. Yet, it was hard to complain after all it was all provided to us, and was all supposed to be very nutritious.
Dinner ended uneventfully with my children talking excitedly about returning back to school, and my husband discussing his day. Soon after that my children’s diapers were changed. My older son into his father’s and my younger daughter into my own. As I tucked them into bed I knew that only left us.
I returned to my husband’s and my room, and locked the door. I could feel my face become flush, as the shame of what we were about to do washed over me. As I turned around I could see my husband lying on the changing mat on the bed, her legs dangling off the edge as he silently waited for me. I made my way over to the dresser to take out the contents of the first drawer, when I suddenly felt myself hesitate. My eyes locked with the bottom drawer and I could feel my hand instinctively open and close, as I continue to remain transfixed. I slowly opened the bottom drawer gazing at its contents. My temptation continued to grow, until his voice snapped me out of my trance.
“You know.” He paused as he continued in a solemn and hushed tone. “If you wanted to, they wouldn’t have to know. I know how much this bothers you, so please even if the chances are slim, put me in that and you can wear mine and won’t have to risk getting into trouble.”
As I heard him utter those words I knew what I must do, as I swiftly opened the top drawer to pull out his last large disposable diaper. As I approached him I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head. Causing him to smile as he looked away relieved. I am not sure how I managed to have married a man like him, but I knew there were few out there that could be as proud as I always was of him. I signaled my husband to raise his bottom as I slid the new diaper under him, and began the task of cleaning him up. As I began to untape his diaper my mind began to wander.
This nation of ours was quite an interesting one, possessing large oil reserves. After the revolution the new government worked to nationalize the oil reserves, resulting in us being the largest petroleum product producing country in the world. While there are many questions about if our government is right to have done the things they have done, those concerns never really concerned me. As I think back to myself, my husband, and my children I was never really affected by most of the changes brought upon by the new regime, but there was one law that as of late has started to affect me.
“Dear, I think that’s enough.”
I suddenly felt myself snap back to reality. I realized I was in the process of creating a dust cloud, with the amount of baby powder I was applying to my husband. “Oh! Sorry! I was lost in thought.” I could hear him stifle a chuckle as I finished pulling the front of his diaper up, but left the tapes undone. I quickly laid next to my husband and got to work changing out of my own diaper.
As I reached down to undo my tapes I could see the contents of the bottom drawer staring back at me. It was filled with a gift from my mother many years ago, and one that was deemed illegal for use in our nation; many cloth diapers. As my tapes came off and I reached for the wipes, I could feel my mind wander once again.
It was a law that was passed nearly 25 years ago when I was still in my teens. I couldn’t help but recall the similarities of my own younger years, and that girl from this morning’s supply line. Thinking about how much I have changed, I guess it was just a part of growing up. Back then I remembered my family as fairly poor and myself as someone that wore cloth diapers regularly. I can still remember how I always wanted to try the expensive diapers from the west, the ones that you didn't need to wash, that you could run, not waddle in. Ones that you could just change wherever you were, and didn’t need to spend time washing. Disposable diapers felt like what I thought freedom was to me, and I promised myself that when I got the chance I would spend my pocket money to try them out, just once. It is funny that I got my wish granted in the worst way possible.
As I returned back to my senses, I quickly balled my diaper up and taped it shut before standing up. I swiftly approached my husband now bare as a newborn, trying my best to make sure I didn’t have an accident on the floor. I pulled the front of his diaper down and laid myself on top of him, now skin-to-skin. I could feel my body grow red hot as he reached forward and pulled the front of his diaper up and around my bottom, and snugly taped the two of us into the diaper. As I wiggled my legs and shook my hips I only grew more embarrassed, as I realized my husband had become really good at taping a diaper like this.
I wrapped my arms and legs around him, as he slowly stood up. He slowly walked towards the center of the bed, yet I couldn’t do anything but allow the shame to wash over me. Clinging to my husband like an infant, having him carry me on top of him, and sharing the same diaper with him. I wasn’t able to get diapers for either of us, nor my children, I couldn’t help but feel useless. My husband slowly sat back down and lowered the both of us down at the head of the bed. Soon he was resting on a pillow and I was resting on his chest, before he raised his legs, and I once again found myself in this strange degrading position. A position that we were placed into by that law they passed.
Our government became world wide producers of petroleum products and among those were the plastics used in diapers. Soon our nation became one of the world’s largest exporters of disposable diapers. This became an incredible boon for our nation, and soon there wasn’t a nation left that didn’t carry a diaper manufactured in our country. Then suddenly 25 years ago they banned the use of cloth diapers, and swapped over to providing us state manufactured diapers. It was a little strange going from bulky cloth to crinkly disposables, and soon the state began providing us with food and supplies, but we all grew used to it. To me back then it felt like that was freedom. Not having to worry about food or cleaning my own diapers. I felt as though this was a freedom that not even the western capitalist could experience. I was really excited at the time, but others like my parents weren’t. I was young and I thought they didn’t understand, but only now do I realize what we gave up in exchange.
Clinging to my husband, taped together in the last diaper left in our home, anxious over whether or not I will be able to get more diapers tomorrow. I now understood why my parents looked so distraught, and I understood why they left me so many cloth diapers. They may have been inconvenient, but at least they were mine. If I wanted to change I could, if I wanted more absorbency nothing could stop me from doing so, and if I wanted to be free to wake up in the morning and change into a fresh diaper I could. I had begun to realize today that even Mary wasn’t as free as thought she was, that no amount of wealth or power could return what we lost. Deep down I knew we were slaves, unable to even change our own diapers for fear of consequences.
I felt a pain grip me as my heart began to beat with anxiety. It was then that I realized what I was about to do. This was unfair. I could feel myself grunt reflexively as the diaper that I shared began to expand, and another warmth began to grow between me and my husband. This was truly unfair. I wanted more than anything to cry. To cry for what we lost, and for what was taken away from us. Yet, I was unable to find any tears to do so. As I laid there in my anguish I felt his warm hand rub my back as he quietly hummed. I was embarrassed, not because I had used our diaper, nor due to my husband’s response to my discomfort. But over how quickly he was able to sooth me like I would sooth our children.
In the end we were just infants dependent on the state for our milk and diaper changes, we were nothing more than oversized babies. Even that girl this morning that wanted her diaper changed, crying out to the state for her adulthood back, only to be admonished like a child. I may wonder what it would be like to fight back and regain our freedom, but I don’t think we could survive. We have all grown so infantilized, and I am not even sure how it ended up this way. It was strange to think that my children, my babies, would never grow up to know what a cloth diaper was, never being able to change their own diapers without the state’s permission, and never know what being an adult was like. How life was when you didn’t need the state for food and clean diapers, when we weren’t so hopelessly dependent. No, to them this is normal, and to their own children it will be even more normal.
I could feel a sensation of serenity take over as I had come to once again accept the state’s position. Almost as if my husband could tell my needs were fulfilled he slowed down, and instead brought her arms around me, clutching me tightly as if I was a stuffed toy. I could hear his heart rise and fall as our diaper grew warmer, unsure which one of us was the cause. But I was happy. Happy that I could bring him comfort in my own way. As I gazed out the window, sleep slowly began to consume me and I began to drift off as I began to cuddle closer to my husband soothed by his slow heartbeat.
“Spokoynoy nochi Verona.” My husband quietly spoke.
“Spokoynoy nochi.” I replied back softly, as I drifted off to slumber.